Dear Santa…

If Santa adopted Dr. Phil’s “tell it like it is” philosophy, children everywhere might receive correspondence like this. Merry Christmas.

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

# # #

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

# # #

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping? Do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa

# # #

Dear Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky.” That’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house; you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do: through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

# # #

Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

# # #

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